08/03/2006 - Vienna, Austria
— Editor's note: In preparing this article
about the meeting of the International Atomic
Energy Agency (IAEA) in Vienna, we read
the news stories from all of the most reputable
sources, we read the reports from all of
the best institutions, we read the statements
from all of the governments and agencies,
but nowhere could we find a reasonable,
rational, or plausible explanation of what
was happening. We decided the only answer
was the absurd.
Ever since Alice had slipped down the Rabbit
Hole, the news had been getting curiouser
and curiouser. She found herself at a very
large table where the March Hare, a dormouse,
a hippopotamus, and the Mad Hatter were
having tea. The Hatter was telling a story
about how George W. TweedleDum had just
got back from a trip to India, where he
was promising to give away shiny new nuclear
technology. At the same time, TweedleDee
had been getting very red-faced at the United
Nations about some shiny new nuclear technology
in Iran that he wanted taken away. He broke
off his story to wave an empty teapot at
Alice.
"Would you like less tea, my dear?"
"Don't you mean more tea?" asked
Alice politely.
"No no no no. We don't have any "more
tea" we only have "less tea."
And it's very rude to ask for what we don't
have. Now, would you like some more Peaceful
Nuclear Technology and Less Nuclear Weapons
to go with that?"
"Umm, yes please" said Alice,
thinking this must be the correct answer
and not wanting to upset the Hatter again.
"There you go again, asking for what
we can't possibly give you!" cried
the Hatter, springing to his feet.
"How about some safe, clean nuclear
power instead?" offered the dormouse
helpfully.
"That sounds quite nice, I suppose,"
said Alice with some hesitation.
"Wrong answer! No such thing!"
the Hatter shouted with glee, politely adding
"One lump or two?"
Alice was quite put out. "Isn't it
rude to offer something you don't have?"
asked Alice. "And even ruder to offer
something that doesn't exist? What kind
of a tea party is this?"
"Why this is an IAEA Board of Governors
meeting, my dear, and we're having an NP
Tea Party!" said the March Hare, glancing
nervously at a very large watch which was
chiming the hour by barking loudly.
"An NP Tea Party? What's that?"
"It's all very simple," said
the Hatter as he handed out slices of cake
and then went around smacking everyone's
hand when they started eating it, "the
NPT is a treaty in which the parties that
have nuclear weapons agree to get rid of
their nuclear weapons in exchange for the
parties that don't have nuclear weapons
promising not to get nuclear weapons. As
part of the incentive for not getting nuclear
weapons they're rewarded with the means
to make nuclear weapons. Slice of Cake?"
Alice eyed the yellow cake suspiciously.
She heard a distant voice shouting "Off
with their heads!"
"Now, at the moment we're discussing
the case of Iran, which has signed the treaty
and promised not to build nuclear weapons
and so has been rewarded with the means
to make nuclear weapons. But there are some
people at this party who think that they're
actually using those means to make nuclear
weapons as a means to make nuclear weapons."
"Which they've said they don't want..."
said Alice.
"Oh yes, but as you of all people
should know, my dear, saying what we mean
isn't always the same as meaning what we
say. Saying that they aren't making nuclear
weapons is just what you'd expect them to
do if they were making nuclear weapons.
Proof enough."
The Hatter took a slice of cake and pushed
it into the face of the Hippo, who already
had his mouth full. "You shouldn't
eat so much cake," he sputtered.
George W. TweedleDum suddenly appeared.
"Personically, I'd like to see less
nuclear weapons in the world. Which is why
I'm building more."
"THAT's the spirit!" cried the
Hatter.
"But I don't understand!" cried
Alice. "If you can use nuclear power
technology to make nuclear weapons, and
you want to get rid of the nuclear weapons,
shouldn't you stop handing out the nuclear
power technology?"
George W. TweedleDum patted Alice on the
head. "You are an absurd little creature,
aren't you? Hatter, why don't you explanify
the Treaty thing?"
"The TREATY thing, yes yes, mustn't
forget that!" cried the Hatter as he
absent-mindedly dipped the dormouse in his
tea.
"Now you see on the one hand, Iran
has signed the Non-treaty on Weapons Proliferation,
and the Treaty on the Proliferation of Non-weapons
Nuclear, and the Proliferation of Treaties
on the Proliferation of Weapons, Non..."
"Which are all the same thing,"
said the dormouse, yawning.
"So if THEY try to get nuclear weapons,
that's quite illegal and we must send them
to the Queen of Hearts' Security Council
for punishment."
"India, on the other hand," said
the Hatter holding up a second hand and
dropping the teapot on the dormouse's head,
"has never signed the treaty, so their
nuclear weapons are perfectly OK and they
should be rewarded with more nuclear technology."
"Pakistan, on the third hand,"
and oddly the Hatter actually produce a
third hand at this point, " has never
signed the treaty, but we're not so sure
about them, so we're NOT going to reward
them with more nuclear technology."
George W. TweedleDum smiled broadly. "The
lessonification here is never, never sign
a treaty. That's my motto. Lot of bother.
I promise to keep my nuclear weapons and
everybody else has to get rid of theirs
unless I say they can keep them. That's
my kind of Treaty. I believe in maintaining
high standards. I believe in maintaining
high standards."
"You said that twice." said the
Hatter.
"He has to say it twice," said
the dormouse. "It's a double standard."
The Hatter now declared it was time for
a vote. "Now, who thinks we should
send Iran to the Queen of Hearts? ("Off
with their heads! came the cry from the
garden next door again...) Everyone looked
at the Hippo. The hippo started to raise
his foot, and everyone in the party started
to raise their hands. Or paws. Then the
hippo put his foot down, and everyone in
the party did the same. Then George W. TweedleDum
took a large hatpin and quietly stuck it
into the rather large backside of the Hippo,
who jumped into the air with his foot raised,
and everyone in the party followed suit."
"There then, it's settled, off to
the Queen of Hearts with them!" sang
the Hatter.
"Is that what you call democracy?"
asked Alice curiously.
"Well it looks like democracy, but
in reality the Hippo decides, and the Hippo
just does what TweedleDum tells him to do"
said the Hatter.
"Oh. I see," said Alice. "I
suppose then it's not really a democracy
at all, is it?"
"Well it's just a very different kind
of democracy, my dear. Some people call
it a Hippocracy. Cake?"
